A heavily intoxicated man was proudly showing off his brand-new apartment to a group of friends late one night. After touring the kitchen and the living room, he excitedly led the way into his bedroom.
Hanging conspicuously on the wall right above his bed was a massive, solid brass gong, accompanied by a heavy wooden mallet.
One of the guests stared at the bizarre setup in utter confusion. “What on earth is that giant brass gong for?” he asked.
The drunk man grinned slurringly and replied, “Oh, why, that’s my talking clock!”
A second friend laughed, shaking his head. “A talking clock? How the heck does a piece of metal talk? Show us how it works!”
“Watch this,” the man said with a wicked smile.
He grabbed the heavy mallet, swung his arm back, and delivered an ear-shattering, thunderous POUND to the center of the brass gong. The entire apartment building seemed to vibrate from the noise.
For a second, there was total silence. Then, a furious voice suddenly screamed from the other side of the bedroom wall:
“For heaven’s sake, you absolute jerk! Shut the hell up, it’s two o’clock in the morning!”
Mary Told Bubba to Take “Whatever He Wanted” in the Woods—And His Buddy Approved of the Brilliant Choice
An elderly gentleman named Jimmy was taking a leisurely stroll down Main Street when he spotted his old buddy, Bubba, driving a gorgeous, pristine, brand-new pickup truck.
Bubba pulled up right next to the curb, hitting the brakes with a massive, triumphant grin spreading across his face.
Jimmy gasped, his eyes wide with envy. “Bubba! Where on earth did you get that beautiful new truck?!”
“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied casually, patting the steering wheel.
“Mary gave it to you?!” Jimmy asked in disbelief. “I mean, I knew she was always kinda sweet on you, but a brand-new truck? You’ve got to be pulling my leg!”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you exactly what happened,” Bubba explained, leaning out the window. “Yesterday afternoon, we were driving out on County Road 6, completely out in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, Mary told me to pull off the asphalt. She put the truck in four-wheel drive and steered us deep into the thick of the woods.”
Jimmy leaned in closer, captivated. “And then what?”
“She stopped the engine, got out of the truck, tore off all of her clothes, threw them on the ground, looked me straight in the eyes, and whispered: ‘Bubba, take whatever you want!’ …So, I took the truck!”
Jimmy nodded wisely, patted the hood of the pickup, and replied:
“You are a fiercely smart man, Bubba! Those clothes would have never fit you anyway.”
