Two crocodiles were lounging by the river, enjoying the sun.

After a while, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I don’t understand how you’re so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, and we were the same size as kids. What happened?”

The bigger croc replied, “Well, what have you been eating?”

The smaller croc said, “Mostly politicians who come here with their mistresses, just like you!”

The big croc nodded, “I see. So where do you catch them?”

The bigger croc thought for a moment, “Same here. So, what’s your method?”

The smaller croc explained, “I wait under one of their fancy cars, like a Lexus or Mercedes. When someone unlocks the door, I jump out, grab them by the leg, and shake them until they’re too weak to fight back.”

The bigger croc chuckled, “Ah, I think I see your problem. By the time you’re done shaking them, there’s nothing left but a briefcase!”

My husband and I pulled up to the McDonald’s drive-thru window. I handed the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also gave her a quarter.

She said, “You gave me too much money.”

I replied, “Yes, but that way you can just give me a dollar back.”

She sighed, went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did, and he gave me back the 25 cents, saying, “Sorry, we don’t do that kind of thing.”

Then the cashier handed me 75 cents in change.

Don’t confuse McDonald’s employees, folks.

We had to get our garage door fixed. The repairman told us the problem was the motor wasn’t big enough.

I said, “We have the biggest one — a half-horsepower.”

He shook his head. “No, you need a quarter-horsepower.”

I said, “Half is bigger than a quarter.”

He replied, “Nooo, four is bigger than two.”

Yeah… we didn’t call him again.

Living in a semi-rural area, we recently got a new neighbor who called the city council to remove the Deer Crossing sign.

Reason? “Too many deer are getting hit by cars. It’s not a good crossing spot anymore.”

You can’t fix stupid.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food place and ordered a taco with “minimal lettuce.”

The worker said, “Sorry, we only have iceberg lettuce.”

At the airport, an employee asked me, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”

He just smiled and said, “That’s why we ask.”

I was crossing the street with a coworker who asked what the beeping pedestrian signal meant.

I said, “It helps blind people know when it’s safe to cross.”

She gasped, “What are blind people doing driving?!”

She’s a government employee.

When my wife and I picked up our car from the dealership, they said the keys were locked inside.

We watched a mechanic trying to unlock the driver’s door. I tried the passenger door, and it was already unlocked.

I said, “It’s open!”

He said, “I know. I already did that side.”

Stay alert, friends — they walk among us and breed.