A man — who requested anonymity — wrote to share his story about his eight-year marriage.
According to him, his wife is strong, driven, and financially successful. Meanwhile, he describes himself as still “finding his path.”
For the past five years, she has shouldered nearly all of the family’s financial responsibilities, while he has pitched in with some occasional freelance jobs and emotional support.
Now, however, their marriage seems to be reaching a breaking point. The real problem isn’t about love, chores, or even money — at least not directly.
It’s about family, and about what fairness looks like when one partner earns significantly more than the other.
He says he just wants things to feel equal. She says she’s tired of being the only safety net.
What began as a quiet disagreement involving their in-laws has now grown into a conflict that could put their entire relationship at risk. Here’s what he wrote:
The man’s letter to the editorial team:
“Hello,
I’m a 34-year-old man, married to my 35-year-old wife for eight years now. She’s incredibly independent, determined, and hard-working — honestly, she’s a force of nature.
For the last five years, she’s been working two full-time jobs, one in remote marketing and the other in freelance consulting. Altogether, she makes about $160,000 a year.
Meanwhile, I’m still between careers. I pick up some freelance graphic design projects and other occasional gigs, bringing in maybe $800–$1000 in a good month, but it’s irregular.
I’m still figuring out my direction in life. I don’t work particularly hard and probably never will.
Because my income is so unstable, my wife has been the primary breadwinner for over five years. She pays the mortgage, bills, food, car costs — everything.
Thanks to her, we live in a comfortable home in a decent neighborhood, drive two reliable vehicles, and have health insurance.
Now comes the problem.
Her parents are in their mid-60s and starting to need more help. She and her siblings regularly pitch in for their care, home repairs, and even recently helped buy them a new car — my wife contributed around $8,000 from her savings.
She also covers things like their medication and takes time off work to visit them.
My parents are about the same age, retired as well, and not wealthy. They live simply, but lately they’ve started hinting — nothing direct, but you know how parents can be — wondering why my wife helps her family so much but doesn’t do the same for ours.
My mom once asked if she was “less of a grandma” to us, and I could see it hurt her feelings.
I raised this with my wife, suggesting that if she can spend thousands on her own parents, maybe she could help mine too, for example, sending them on a vacation or helping fix their old roof.
She did help my mom once by paying for about $1,200 of dental work, so it’s not like she’s done nothing. But lately, she’s drawn a firm boundary.
She told me she’s done being the only grown-up in our marriage, that I need to “step up” and handle my own family.
From now on, she plans to separate our finances so that I’ll be responsible for my income and she’ll be responsible for hers.
I felt completely betrayed. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about sharing? About being partners through good and bad? Didn’t we promise that?
I told her our money should be OUR money, because we’re a team, and both our parents are our responsibility.
She says that would only be fair if we contributed equally. But how is that fair?
I’m trying my best, I’m still on my journey, and I give her plenty of emotional support and help around the house. I cook, clean, and run errands — doesn’t that matter too?
She told me that love doesn’t justify living off someone forever, and that she refuses to keep funding my guilt about my own parents. That really hurt.
I’m trying. I’m not lazy. I just haven’t found the right opportunity yet. And when I do, believe me, I’ll remember how she’s treated me through all this. I won’t forget this double standard.
So, am I wrong for expecting my wife to help support my parents the same way she helps hers? Aren’t we supposed to work as a team? I’m not asking her to stop caring for her family — I just think it should be equal. Isn’t that what fairness means?”
