Raising a child is never easy, but what happens when you’re raising your grandchild while the parents are away chasing their dreams? This is the touching story of one of our readers, a 58-year-old grandmother who has been the primary caregiver for her granddaughter, Lily, for the past decade. Following a divorce and a significant lifestyle change, the mother wants to resume full-time parental responsibilities. Let’s go into this gripping story and explore the difficulties of navigating this very emotional and real family situation.
The mother felt incredible guilt that her daughter became pregnant at 18.
“I felt guilty that my daughter, Claire, became pregnant and gave birth at the age of 18. At the time, I felt like I had failed her as a parent — perhaps I had been too gentle on her or indulged her too much. So I wanted to give her as much support as I could.
Claire is now 28. So, for the previous ten years, I raised her child as if it were my own, while she focused on her life, profession, and relationships. My granddaughter, Lily, is a bright, confident, and thriving child.
At first, I assumed it was only temporary — late-night feedings, diaper changes, and doctor’s appointments while Claire regained her footing. Claire gradually became less involved in Lily’s daily life. She began spending less time at home, and finally Lily was living with me full-time, with Claire visiting on weekends as her schedule permitted. I never resented it; I wanted to give Claire room to grow, and most importantly, I wanted to ensure Lily had a stable, loving home.”
After getting married, Claire decided that her daughter had no place in her new family.
“When Lily was three years old, Claire got married. I genuinely believed it was the time she would finally take Lily in and provide her with a proper family. But I was surprised when, after getting married, she declared her daughter would ‘interfere’ with her new family and that her husband did not want children – at least not just now.
Claire grew to see herself as a ‘cool aunt’ rather than a mother over time. Even after they married, she only stepped in on weekends when her husband was not present. Sure, she’d go to the occasional school event or buy Lily an extravagant gift here and there, but the deep, maternal relationship simply wasn’t there. I became Lily’s everything—her guardian, her rock, her real mom in every way that mattered.”
Left alone after her div:orce, Claire decided she was ready to become a full-time mother.
“Since her div:orce, Claire has acquired a house, gone to a 9-to-5 job, and begun spending more time with Lily, picking her up after school and spending weekends together. While I appreciate her efforts, this unexpected adjustment has left my poor granddaughter quite anxious. We already have a routine in place, and this rapid change has thrown her off guard.
Claire invited the entire family to dinner at my place, including her sisters, their husbands, and all of the children. I expected it to be a great, casual family evening. But it turned out to be far more than that. Claire stood up during the meal and stated, ‘I want to thank my mom for her amazing support. Without her assistance in raising Lily over the last ten years, I would not have been able to do anything I have. But now that nothing stands in my way, I’m ready to take the next step and become a full-time mother.’
She also announced that Lily would be moving in with her next week once her room was complete and that she’d be transferring her to a better school near her house.”
Claire didn’t discuss these changes with Lily or her grandmother.
“But there was one problem: neither Lily nor I were consulted on this proposal. At that point, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I rose, politely thanked my daughter for her lovely comments, and said, ‘Of course, you can take Lily—but only if you ask her first. Uprooting a 10-year-old child from her own home—her friends, her school, and the routine she has flourished in—would be harmful if it was not what she desired.’
Claire brushed me off, claiming that she is the mother and knows best. But she doesn’t. Claire doesn’t know Lily as I do. She’s never been there for the difficult times or the milestones, and Lily has made it clear that she doesn’t want to live with her mother.
Claire is outraged, accusing me of turning Lily against her and undermining her authority as a mother. My other daughters are attempting to mediate, claiming that while I was correct, I could have handled the situation better. And I’m left wondering: am I wrong to stand my ground? Should I just sit back and let Laura take charge, even if it’s not in Lily’s best interests?”
Can the grandmother challenge her daughter’s decision after raising her granddaughter for 10 years?
“For background, there is no formal custody agreement between us. Everything has been informal, purely for Claire’s convenience. I raised her child for ten years while she pursued her life, profession, and relationships. She has never paid child support, and I can confidently claim that I have covered almost half of the costs of parenting Lily on my own. Claire has always done things her way, whenever it suits her schedule.
But now that she’s div:orced, she wants full custody and says she’s ready to be a full-time mother. And when I add one condition to ensure her child does not suffer from such a radical change, she explodes. I’ve attempted to promote their relationship over the years, but it’s always been one-sided. I’ve never spoken negatively about Claire to Lily, but she’s old enough now to understand the reality for herself.
I love my daughter, but I also believe that Lily needs stability and a say in her own life. I’m at a loss for how to approach this without causing further division in our family. What would you do in my shoes?”
