A husband and wife finally decided to visit a marriage counselor after two decades of matrimony. To get to the root of the issue, the counselor decided to speak with the wife alone first.
“You’ve been married for twenty years,” the counselor noted, leaning back in his chair. “So, what exactly seems to be the problem?”
The wife threw her hands up in despair. “It’s my husband! He is driving me absolutely insane. If he keeps this up for one more week, I am packing my bags and leaving him!”
“How exactly is he driving you crazy?” the counselor asked.
“For twenty years, he has been doing the most bizarre, humiliating things,” she groaned. “First, whenever we go out in public, he stares intensely at the floor and awkwardly zigzags around, refusing to walk anywhere near another human being. It is incredibly embarrassing.”
The counselor found this mildly amusing. “Alright. Anything else?”
“He picks his nose constantly! In the car, at dinner parties, at church—everywhere!”
“I see. And is there anything else?”
The wife hesitated, blushing slightly. “Well… whenever we’re being intimate in the bedroom, he absolutely refuses to let me be on top. Just once in a while, I’d like to take the lead and be in control, but he treats it like a matter of life and death!”
“Ah,” the counselor said, nodding gravely. “I think it’s time I have a chat with your husband.”
The wife exited the office, and the husband walked in, looking completely bewildered. The counselor wasted no time. “Sir, your wife says your behavior is driving her crazy. In fact, she’s on the verge of leaving you.”
The husband looked genuinely heartbroken. “What?! For twenty years, I have been a loving, devoted, and considerate husband. I always try to do the right thing! What could I possibly be doing wrong?”
The counselor sighed. “Well, she says you act incredibly strange in public—always staring at the floor and aggressively avoiding everyone.”
The husband’s face softened into deep sincerity. “Oh, you don’t understand! That is a sacred vow. When my father was on his deathbed, he gave me a few final pieces of advice, and I swore on my life I would obey every single one of them.”
“And what did he say regarding that?” the counselor asked.
“He looked at me and said, ‘Son, whatever you do in life, never step on anyone’s toes!'”
The counselor rubbed his temples. “Sir… that’s an idiom. It means you shouldn’t do anything to offend people or make them angry.”
The husband blinked, looking sheepish. “Oh. Well, that makes more sense.”
“Moving on,” the counselor continued. “She also says you constantly pick your nose in public.”
“Ah! Another deathbed commandment!” the husband proudly declared. “My father explicitly told me: ‘No matter what happens, you must always keep your nose clean!'”
The counselor felt a headache coming on. “That means you should stay out of trouble and avoid criminal activity.”
“Oh,” the husband muttered, suddenly looking very foolish.
“And finally,” the counselor said, leaning forward, “your wife says you never, under any circumstances, allow her to be on top in the bedroom. Why is that?”
The husband’s expression turned dead serious. “Because that was my father’s absolute final command. He whispered it to me with his very last, dying breath. It is the most important rule of my life.”
The counselor braced himself. “And what exactly did he say?”
The husband replied, “He looked me in the eyes and gaspsed, ‘Son… whatever you do, don’t screw up!'”
